Actually, I feel like this post title is redundant. My whole blog is basically a guide to getting fat on a diet that is supposed to be healthy and kind. People decide to become vegetarians so that they can lose weight and hug rabbits and pet little baby chickens and protest cruel slaughter methods. BUT NOT ME! No, no, I just don't like meat. And I get kinda grossed out thinking that what I am eating once had thoughts and feelings of its own. No thank you. This basically just gives me a free pass to eat whatever the fuck I want as long as it doesn't involve eating dead mammals and/or scaly or feathered things (a combination of all three?).
Point is, I love food. Food is delicious. And if it's delicious, how can you expect me to limit myself to reasonable portions? I mean... Did I not say how delicious food is?
And sometimes I find my soul dish. Like soul mate, except in food form. And when this happens, all bets are off. The morning after I may be 10 pounds heavier and/or a contestant on Biggest Loser. How am I supposed to foresee the consequences of my brilliant eating habits???? And a few months ago I found this soul dish. And I have just today re-birthed it for your pleasure. Long story short, I may need to get a gym membership. Or at least eat a diet of only celery and cranberries until I figure out how to not consume this entire thing in one sitting. Just kidding. Show me a person who can prove that possible, and I'll show you a lesbian who voted Republican on the last presidential election.
So what am I even talking about? I mean, are we talking genuine ambrosia or something unusual deep-fried and drowned in some sort of heavenly cheese sauce? It's somewhere in the middle. And it will cause you to eat an entire block of Monterey Jack cheese in one sitting. With butter. And bread.
I'm talking about Bloomin' Onion Bread. It's like the those Bloomin' Onion appetizers you get at Outback- except made twice as delicious since it involves an entire loaf of sourdough bread and you don't have to put that much effort into it or burn yourself on splattering oil. So here it is:
Bloomin' Onion Bread (Original
here)
Here's what you need:
1 loaf un-sliced sourdough bread
12-14 oz block Monterey Jack cheese
1/2 cup butter
2 bunches (1/2 cup or so) scallions
Preheat your oven to 350 degress.
Slice the bread into a grid, taking care to make sure the knife does not cut through the bottom crust. It should be like Manhattan- tall buildings everywhere, all connected to the same ground with no floaters.
Now place on a foil-lined baking sheet and set aside. Slice your cheese like so:
Shove that cheese into all the little crevices- every last one. You want all your skyscrapers to be painted white on all four sides.
Time for the best part!! Dice up your scallions nice and small, like so:
Melt that butter and add those scallions. Mix it up and pour over the loaf. Make it as even as you can, and if you can swing it, try to get some of this love potion in the cracks along with the cheese. Flood your city!
Cover up your loaf and bake for 15 minutes. Remove cover and bake for another 10 minutes or so- until the cheese looks nice and melty.
And there you have it.
If you can prove yourself to be strong enough not to eat the entire loaf in one sitting, I will give you special awards and honors.
If you find yourself struggling to figure out how to eat this, just pick off the sides first and then attack the middle buildings at their foundations with a fork. It's easy enough.
GOOD LUCK NOT GETTING FAT.
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