Famous Food: Benedict Cumberbatch Trifle

     So there is this brand of ice cream that I am really fond of- Cool Haus. I've been eating it for a while now. And really, I've only been eating it because it tastes awesome and the packaging looks attractive to me. I never read much into it util I couple of weeks ago. Turns out, the ice cream from Cool Haus is architecturally-inspired. The ice cream bars I am most fond of are inspired by Peter Cook. Being the curious connoisseur I am, I decided to look it up.
     Peter Cook designs simple yet elegant houses in the Hamptons. They're clean and classic. But this ice cream bar- coffee ice cream with a chocolate cookie coating- seemed nothing like it. To me, the ice cream was so earthy and natural. It was homey and soulful. It was not Peter Cook.
     And this all got me thinking. What if I can do a better job? I imagined Peter Cook ice cream to be a pure vanilla with a ribbon of dark chocolate and shaved almonds. That seemed more reasonable. Thing is, I'm not a Peter Cook fan. I know very little of his personal life, and I cannot truly appreciate his work. So I thought about who I admired and what I could make from them. I thought about Ulysses S. Grant- masculine and warm, probably something with beef. Out of the question. I thought about Queen Victoria, and I ruled her out. I decided to go modern. So I looked to one of my favorite actors- Benedict Cumberbatch. Perfect! I can make something of him! I thought. And that's exactly what I did.
     I started out by doing a bit of research on Benedict. I marked down his personality traits, or at least what came to me when I thought of him. He has that beautifully rich voice, that structured face, that slim physique, that refined, grand composure... And he is adored. He is. As a result he is a bit haughty. But that's okay- we still love you, Benedict.
     And then I came up with flavors and foods that I thought fit those traits. I came up with pudding, chocolate, blackberries, crepes, honey, and most importantly- TOFFEE. I could imagine him being so rich and chocolaty, yet light like a crepe. And his honey-smooth voice. That toffee elegance. That blackberry darkness. It all just fit.
     Well, I thought, what can I make that will represent my dear Benedict? And it dawned on me- TRIFLE! Trifle is adored. It is classic and structured... It is Benedict. And how might I fit these flavors into the trifle? He's not some rinky-dink fruit cocktail trifle- no, he is above that. And this is what I came up with:
     Trifle with chocolate sponge, coffee custard, honey whipped cream, blackberries, and chocolate-toffee suace. It was perfect. So I wrote it out- my very own recipe. It's my baby. My very own. I adopt most of my baby recipes, but this one, this one was my own flesh and blood. And it's spectacular. So here it is: my baby trifle.

Benedict Cumberbatch Trifle
First, make your coffee custard
You need:
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
1 tsp vanilla
1 shot espresso
1/4 cup milk
1/2 cup whipping cream

In a saucepan, whisk together egg yolks, sugar, flour, vanilla, and espresso. Turn heat to medium-high, and whisk in a little bit of milk at a time until it has come to a boil, stirring constantly. Once it has reached a boil, reduce heat and simmer, stirring frequently, until thickened.

Uncooked mixture

Thickened mixture

Now beat the whipped cream until perfectly whipped. Fold it into your thickened egg mixture until perfectly mixed in. Let cool in the fridge.

While this cools, make your chocolate sponge cake
Here's what you need:
4 egg whites
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup sugar
2 egg yolks
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup cocoa powder

Prepare your 9" cake pans as I showed you before and set your oven to 325.

Now beat egg whites, cream of tartar and salt together until foamy.

Gradually beat in sugar until stiff peaks form, and then carefully beat in egg yolks and vanilla.

Now combine cocoa powder and flour in separate dish and gently fold into egg mixture. BE VERY CAREFUL WITH THIS. Do not let those egg whites fall!!!

Now spread evenly in your cake pan and bake 25-30 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean.

 Remove from pan and let cool. It should look like this:

The inside should be nice and sponge-like.

Now crumble your cake!!! Shred it! Make the pieces no smaller than a square centimeter. They should be uneven and unique. Set aside.

Time to begin layering:
Press half of your sponge cake at the bottom of selected dish and soak in a layer of sherry. Spread half of custard on top. Add blackberries. This should be about 1/2 of a package of berries. 
Add a second layer of sponge and drench this in sherry too. 
Now melt 1 bar of dark chocolate in a double boiler. Crush about five almond toffee candies, and add these to the chocolate. Mix well and spread over sponge cake layer. You may add a little bit of cream if you don't want this to harden at all. 
Add a layer of custard, followed by the rest of your blackberries. Now for the fun part:
Make your Honey Whipped Cream.
Whip however much heavy whipping cream you desire- perhaps enough to make a good inch in your dish. Once nearly done, add in ribbons of honey, making sure that they are unevenly mixed so that you can catch bits on honey on your tongue as you eat.
Spread this on top and garnish with extra toffee and coffee beans.

Now enjoy thoroughly, and watch some Sherlock!!!

(BY THE WAY, I do NOT give you permission to use my recipe without contacting me first and giving me credit. Provide me with the link to your post.)

How to Get Fat + Bloomin' Onion Bread

     Actually, I feel like this post title is redundant. My whole blog is basically a guide to getting fat on a diet that is supposed to be healthy and kind. People decide to become vegetarians so that they can lose weight and hug rabbits and pet little baby chickens and protest cruel slaughter methods. BUT NOT ME! No, no, I just don't like meat. And I get kinda grossed out thinking that what I am eating once had thoughts and feelings of its own. No thank you. This basically just gives me a free pass to eat whatever the fuck I want as long as it doesn't involve eating dead mammals and/or scaly or feathered things (a combination of all three?).

     Point is, I love food. Food is delicious. And if it's delicious, how can you expect me to limit myself to reasonable portions? I mean... Did I not say how delicious food is?

     And sometimes I find my soul dish. Like soul mate, except in food form. And when this happens, all bets are off. The morning after I may be 10 pounds heavier and/or a contestant on Biggest Loser. How am I supposed to foresee the consequences of my brilliant eating habits???? And a few months ago I found this soul dish. And I have just today re-birthed it for your pleasure. Long story short, I may need to get a gym membership. Or at least eat a diet of only celery and cranberries until I figure out how to not consume this entire thing in one sitting. Just kidding. Show me a person who can prove that possible, and I'll show you a lesbian who voted Republican on the last presidential election.

     So what am I even talking about? I mean, are we talking genuine ambrosia or something unusual deep-fried and drowned in some sort of heavenly cheese sauce? It's somewhere in the middle. And it will cause you to eat an entire block of Monterey Jack cheese in one sitting. With butter. And bread.
     I'm talking about Bloomin' Onion Bread. It's like the those Bloomin' Onion appetizers you get at Outback- except made twice as delicious since it involves an entire loaf of sourdough bread and you don't have to put that much effort into it or burn yourself on splattering oil. So here it is:

Bloomin' Onion Bread (Original here)
Here's what you need:
1 loaf un-sliced sourdough bread
12-14 oz block Monterey Jack cheese
1/2 cup butter
2 bunches (1/2 cup or so) scallions

Preheat your oven to 350 degress.
Slice the bread into a grid, taking care to make sure the knife does not cut through the bottom crust. It should be like Manhattan- tall buildings everywhere, all connected to the same ground with no floaters.

Now place on a foil-lined baking sheet and set aside. Slice your cheese like so:

Shove that cheese into all the little crevices- every last one. You want all your skyscrapers to be painted white on all four sides.

Time for the best part!! Dice up your scallions nice and small, like so:

Melt that butter and add those scallions. Mix it up and pour over the loaf. Make it as even as you can, and if you can swing it, try to get some of this love potion in the cracks along with the cheese. Flood your city!

 Cover up your loaf and bake for 15 minutes. Remove cover and bake for another 10 minutes or so- until the cheese looks nice and melty.
And there you have it.

If you can prove yourself to be strong enough not to eat the entire loaf in one sitting, I will give you special awards and honors.
If you find yourself struggling to figure out how to eat this, just pick off the sides first and then attack the middle buildings at their foundations with a fork. It's easy enough.

GOOD LUCK NOT GETTING FAT.

Birthdays, Obligations, and Family + Easy Chocolate Cake

     Birthdays. There's something about them that makes you want to go

       but also

It probably depends on how old you are and whose birthday it is. On this occasion, it was more like the first option.
     So, it's my brother's birthday. He just turned 16.
Yay him. I don't really care that much.
There is only one thing I really truly care about: the cake!!! I love cake. It's kind of my thing. And whenever I make a cake, I consider it my baby. And you know what? I don't like it when people fuck with my babies. More on that later.




     Birthdays also mean family. Whether you like it or not, you're in for some quality time with those embarrassing and/or annoying people who you're related to. Oh, those lucky, lucky orphans...
     I have mixed feelings about family gatherings. If it's in my honor, and if they've all come together to give me something, like gifts or money or food, then I can tolerate them. But if it's for someone else or if it doesn't really have a good reason to be happening, I WAN'T OUT. My family does a lot of things, but mostly it just annoys me. I loooovvve to hide from my family. It's wonderful. All I do is turn my bedroom into a fortress and pretend to have a massive migraine or a big homework assignment. And PRESTO, they leave me alone. But sometimes, you have an obligation to be out there with all the annoying people. You have to fight through the desire to just slaughter everyone and dance wildly over their corpses. This was one of those times.
     After a chaotic celebration involving talk of strippers, cars, and tacos, it was time for cake. I probably thought something along the lines of "YAYYYY, it's time for my baby to shine!" And hey, it shined for a while. After the birthday bitch blew his spit all over my baby and made a wish, the cake was cut, eaten, and enjoyed. And then a toddler decided to fucking ruin it. And take out all the beautiful candles and throw shit and shout and poke holes in it...

     AND THUS, my cake belonged to a toddler. You can see why I hate kids so much. And you're just getting a half-strength dose of toddler shit. And I tried really hard not to punish that little cunt for shitting all over my pride and joy, because let me tell you, his parents wouldn't.
     Before that cake was mutilated beyond belief, it was beautiful. And it was delicious as can be. The perfectly moist cake layers, the fluffy, fudgy buttercream... Ahhhhh. Heaven. So here it is:

 Easy Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Buttercream (from here)
Here's what you need for the cake:
2 cups sugar
1 3/4 cups flour
3/4 cup cocoa powder
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 tsp vanilla
1 cup water, boiling
And for the frosting:
2 sticks butter, cut into pieces
3 cups powdered sugar
However much cocoa powder you desire
A splash of milk to thin the consistency

So, first, you've got to set your oven to 350 F and prepare you pans. Cake is tricky. If you want your cake to come out of your pans nice and clean, you've got to cut two parchment circles to place on the bottoms of you cakes pans. And THEN you have to grease and flour the sides. Use 9" cake pans.

Now, get all your dry ingredients together and give them a nice mix.

Now add all the wet ingredients except for the water. Mix it with an electric mixer for about two minutes.

Now add the boiling water and beat it with the mixer. Be sure to give it a light mix by hand first so that it doesn't splash out and onto your skin. And there you go, batter.

Now fill your prepared cakes pans evenly and bake for 30-35 minutes. Let cool.

And now for the frosting. I neglected to take picture of this since I was dealing with all the chaos.
Beat the butter with an electric mixer until it is creamy. Now add in the powdered sugar a little at a time. Add in cocoa powder to taste. Add a splash of milk to thin the frosting to your desired consistency.
Once your cake is nice and cool, frost that baby!!

And there you go. I hope yours isn't ruined by annoying little toddlers. And if it is, give the demon spawn to these lovely goats: